ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Small penises have feelings too.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
