i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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