Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
