you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
