People in love make me want to vomit
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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