Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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