Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
