fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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