i just sent this text using only my big toe
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I just sharted jello shots
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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