i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
