Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
