??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
