I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
