The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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