i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
