i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
