i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
