I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
