You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
this boner is exhausting
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
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I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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