the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
