i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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