So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
