I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
