She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
