May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
