so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
