I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
