No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dick very happy bro
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
