There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
