I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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