I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize
