just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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