I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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