I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
