totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
