im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
