Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
