I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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