I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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