I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
