I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
