I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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