found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
