Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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