The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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