He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
