I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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