come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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