We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
