Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
