there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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