between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
