True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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