I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
