Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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