Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
