I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
