A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
