Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
