So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
