Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
