Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
