my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
