the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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