and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
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Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize